David Hare Plays 1 Read online

  Ann Let’s paint the hall.

  Joanne Are you determined to ignore me?

  Ann Oh, shut up.

  Joanne I won’t be ignored.

  Elise Does she know there are only eight pupils?

  Ann Everyone knows.

  Elise Could we keep it from her? Does she know we’ve lost the Royal child?

  Ann Everyone knows.

  Joanne It left a damn sight better off.

  Ann It hardly profited from the particular trick you taught it.

  Joanne Everyone should know.

  Ann What you taught that child was not on the syllabus. It was not royal either.

  Joanne Royal children are just the same as any others. They should know how to masturbate. It’s instinctive.

  Ann If it’s instinctive, you didn’t need to induce it.

  Joanne I did not demonstrate, nor did I make any physical gesture of demonstration. I lent it some elementary literature.

  Ann Put about by your bloody feminists.

  Joanne Masturbation is the only form of sexual expression left to the authentic woman.

  Ann I don’t see the value of the act.

  Joanne There are three of us here. For five hundred, five thousand, five million years, the inferior sex, the sex used, used for their sex: the fingers of the nation sidling for the clit, fingers of power and of government. At Brackenhurst there are only women. Brackenhurst is a new way of life.

  Elise Brackenhurst has everything but men.

  Joanne Exactly. Brackenhurst inches the world forward. Here at least is a pure ideal. No men.

  Ann There are no men here because they might savage the children. It’s nothing to do with sexual abstinence.

  Elise I’m a normal sort of woman.

  Ann I want this to be a tight-knit community.

  Elise I am normal.

  Joanne This is the battle-ground of the future. From the start there were those who said marry, infiltrate, get in there, and a different crowd who argued – separate, the divorce is total. It’s between intercourse or isolation. I favour isolation. After black power, woman power.

  Sound of children off has grown audible. Rowdy cheers as if they could hear what Joanne was saying and approved.

  Ann Disorder!

  Ann stomps to the common-room door, yells out.

  If I catch anyone talking, I’ll have them on oats and water for a week.

  Silence. Ann closes the door very slowly.

  Elise That bossy one can’t keep order.

  Ann All I care about is that you lost us our best pupil.

  Joanne The child had asked to be taken away long before it wanked itself off.

  Ann Don’t be so vulgar.

  Joanne I read the letter it wrote a week before it left. It said mummy the dormitory walls are wet and I want out of this hole.

  Ann Cruel. Really.

  Joanne pours out another Scotch.

  Elise She was peculiarly our own.

  Joanne She paid the fees.

  Ann Her mother paid.

  Joanne Her mother was a fool.

  Ann Her mother was a queen.

  Elise Her father was a bit odd.

  Joanne Her father was the queen. He’s the only one I admire in this whole rotten business.

  Elise It was your fault.

  Joanne I hate children anyway.

  Elise They sense that.

  Joanne They hate me.

  Ann They think you’re working class.

  Joanne I am working class.

  Elise Cheltenham’s only member of the working class.

  Joanne It doesn’t mean I’m not.

  Ann No more politics. I’ve had enough.

  Elise If you’re working class, I’m Brigitte Bardot.

  Joanne We’re all in the same frig.

  Elise And other platitudes.

  Joanne Will you stop getting at me?

  Elise I won’t let you rest until …

  Joanne Ann, will you tell your assistant to shut up, I’m taking to drink.

  Another Scotch

  Ann Elise, shut up –

  Elise Don’t do what she says.

  Joanne Have you checked recently for the revolutionary turd?

  Ann Of course I have.

  Another Scotch

  Joanne Then now I’d like you to look for that leak on the roof.

  Elise You don’t know there’s anything there.

  Joanne If my bedroom walls are wet, it’s a good bet to hunt on the roof for the reason.

  Ann You should refer it to the Building Maintenance Committee.

  Joanne We are the committee.

  Elise We’re not in session.

  Joanne I’m for your going up.

  Elise I’m against it.

  Ann I’m chairman.

  Joanne Which means you have to vote for. Chairman always does.

  Ann Very well, I see I shall have to go, but if this is another of your damnfool tricks …

  Elise She’s having you on.

  Joanne I would never …

  Ann Getting me up on the roof.

  Joanne Up, up and to the roo-oof.

  Elise It’s undemocratic.

  Ann I’ll do it to keep the peace. I’ll do anything to make you happy.

  Exit Ann to roof.

  Elise You’ve no right to upset her.

  Joanne Let her face facts.

  Elise Women’s Liberation Workshop!

  Joanne She’s spent her whole life pretending she’s a man. Deserves what’s coming to her.

  Elise She’s just a dear, sweet middle-class girl. Like us all.

  Joanne No such thing as middle class. In a capitalist economy, there are only two functions – labour and the organization of labour. People often refer to something called a middle class which suffers mythically from a middle-class morality but there’s no such thing. There’s the controllers and the controlled.

  Elise You don’t believe that.

  Joanne I do.

  Elise And which category do Cheltenham girls fit into?

  Joanne That’s nothing to do with it. All women are controlled. It’s no longer a matter of birth. There’s a new system of privilege based on intelligence – or rather a certain sort of acquisitive masculine intelligence that would bend in any direction to smother alternatives. In this society where an active, probing, hopeful intelligence is the sign of being a good bloke, women are valued for one thing – their reproductive facility. They bang like shithouse doors. The alternative society that we create may be black or it may be crippled or it may, let’s hope, be female – but it is an alternative. There’ll be no moral judgements, or processes of consultation, or export drives, or balance of payments. There is independence of mind and body. The alternative cannot be defined.

  Elise Why not?

  Joanne By escaping definition it escapes parody and defeat. Brackenhurst is the first real experiment in all-female living.

  Elise And this is it? This is it?

  Joanne Yes.

  Elise This is all-female living? This is the revolution?

  Joanne Yes.

  Elise What we’ve got now?

  Joanne Yes.

  Elise I’d rather not.

  Joanne It’s only in embryo. We’ve scarcely begun. I anticipate communal female living on a massive scale – independence of thought among teachers and pupils. I’ve already begun. I’ve told the children that you and Ann haven’t yet grasped the concept. I teach them to despise Ann because she wants to make Brackenhurst like other societies.

  Elise What about me?

  Joanne I tell them you’re immature because you still want to give your cunt to capitalism.

  Elise I’ve never thought of it that way.

  Joanne Do.

  Elise I never could. Men are just men to men and there it is.

  Ann goes flying down outside the window and lands unseen with a thump.

  My God!

  Elise makes to dash across the room to the window. Joanne gr
abs at her and stops her getting there.

  She’s hurt herself.

  Joanne Leave her.

  Elise She’s fallen off the roof.

  Joanne Don’t help her, for God’s sake, we want a crisis.

  Elise Let go of me.

  Joanne forces Elise on to the ground and sits on top of her.

  Joanne Any intermediate action that serves to reinforce the status quo rather than to restructure the whole system must by very definition be wrong.

  Elise Get fucking off me.

  Joanne The present situation must be allowed to develop to a crisis point in order to emphasize to all the needs for the complete overall destruction of the present scheme of things. Let her lie there a bit.

  Elise forces Joanne off her and rushes up.

  Elise Fucking maniac.

  Joanne Liberty! Equality! Sisterhood!

  Elise rushes to the window, opens it.

  Elise Are you all right?

  Ann Slight fall. Nothing at all.

  Ann is seen to get up, completely unscathed. Climbs in the window.

  Foot must have slipped.

  Elise Let me get you a drink.

  Ann Please don’t bother.

  Ann rubs her ankle, but seems unbruised.

  I was stretching for the drainpipe when my foot slipped.

  Elise You could have been hurt.

  Ann I’m pretty tough. I’ll go back up.

  Ann gets up to go out.

  Elise You can’t go up now.

  Ann Why not?

  Elise You’ve just had a fall.

  Joanne Finish the job.

  Ann I’ll find out what’s up there.

  Joanne Did you find anything?

  Elise You can’t go up again right after falling down. It’s very dangerous.

  Ann Nonsense.

  Elise You can’t possibly go back.

  Ann I promise you it’s OK.

  Elise (vehement) I forbid you.

  Ann Elise.

  Elise (still vehement) There’s nothing wrong with the pipe. Stay where you are.

  Ann Really, I can’t deal with both your tempers.

  Elise What are you going up for? Her?

  Ann I said I’d have a look.

  Elise Her bedroom walls are perfectly dry. I’ve felt them. Do you know what she’s just told me? Do you know what she tells the children?

  Joanne goes and pours another drink.

  Ann I can imagine.

  Elise I wouldn’t repeat the things she says about us.

  Ann She’s free to say what she likes. She’s a member of my staff.

  Joanne Are you going up on the roof or not?

  Ann Of course.

  Joanne You’d better go up before it’s dark.

  Elise Don’t you dare.

  Ann What?

  Elise I suppose you believe this stuff about how she’s miserable at night.

  Ann I’d do the same for you.

  Elise Kiss my foot.

  Ann Huh.

  Joanne Let’s get on. It must be lovely on the roof.

  Ann I’m bound to protect her.

  Elise I accept that, Ann, and will you lick my big toe?

  Ann Don’t be so silly. Ha ha.

  Elise Cut my toenails with your teeth.

  Ann Don’t be so silly.

  Elise Cut my toes.

  Ann Please let’s be friends.

  Elise Toes.

  Joanne Isn’t that sunset beautiful?

  Elise Put my toes in your mouth.

  Ann Out of sheer embarrassment.

  Elise Go on.

  Ann You don’t …

  Elise Go on.

  Joanne Isn’t that the most beautiful sunset?

  Ann Come.

  Elise Ann.

  Ann Elise.

  Elise Do what you say.

  Ann kneels down and bites the nail off Elise’s toe.

  Fantastic.

  Ann bounds back and away, smiling.

  Joanne A girl could almost be happy.

  Elise Now lick.

  Ann Come.

  Elise Lick my toes.

  Ann licks Elise’s toes.

  Joanne Absurd. Ludicrous. Are we meant to take that seriously?

  Ann That was nothing.

  Ann gets up.

  Joanne Why can’t people think of anything else when they think of women?

  Ann That proved nothing.

  Joanne They think of sex.

  Ann It doesn’t mean anything, Elise. It’s quite without significance.

  Elise Now do it again but with more tact.

  Joanne Lick a toe with tact.

  Elise Again.

  Joanne How can you lick a toe with tact?

  Elise Don’t be difficult.

  Ann Tact isn’t in it.

  Elise Don’t be difficult.

  Ann licks again.

  Exactly.

  Ann Absolutely.

  Joanne Fucking ridiculous.

  Ann It just felt good.

  Joanne is pouring out another drink.

  I’ll have a drink, Joanne.

  Joanne Get it yourself.

  Ann I take it from you now, Joanne, but I’m hard put to take it when the girls are around.

  Joanne Some kind of imaginative gleam in me upsets you.

  Exit Elise quietly at this line.

  Ann I have some status here.

  Joanne You know I’m an artist.

  Ann I know.

  Ann goes to get a drink.

  Joanne Not the kind of artist that actually has anything to do with art. I wouldn’t touch it eeurch. Culture eeurch. But an artist in the way I am. I want gold cherubs blowing trumpets over my bed and an ivory bathtub to wash in.

  Ann Anything.

  Joanne Not dripping polystyrene.

  Ann It’s tiled over to keep it warm.

  Joanne It gives me hay fever. I trip daily over those stringy raffia mats on the slippery path to the bathroom, where the basin is slimy with a coat of old toothpaste, other people’s spittings of toothpaste and saliva. In this state I fall downstairs to teach eight benighted little sods what – you change the time-table so often I’m doing woodwork when I should be teaching chemistry. I want out of it, my love.

  Ann There’s nothing I can do.

  Joanne I’m determined to leave.

  Ann Of course.

  Joanne gets two drinks, one for Ann.

  Joanne Here at Brackenhurst, a distinctive sound. The heavy breathing that means nothing is happening. At Brackenhurst nothing ever happens. The tedium is quite a challenge, quite an experience. The distinctive English sight of nothing happening and nothing going to happen.

  Ann Nothing ever happens at Brackenhurst.

  Joanne What was the point of that game with the toes?

  Ann That was Elise’s idea.

  Joanne Ah.

  From the nearby classroom, sound of children singing ‘The Lord is my Shepherd’ in agonized treble.

  Ann Elise is teaching again. She has the knack of making them happy. She’s a superior teacher. When the Governors come, I’ll expect you to behave. I’ll expect you to be a positive person.

  Joanne You’re poisoning me.

  Ann I’m quite without malice.

  Joanne I’ve had stomach cramps all week. There’s poison in my food.

  Ann You must complain to the kitchens.

  Joanne You are the kitchens.

  Music stops.

  Ann You’re a child and you’re lucky to be here, and it’s only because Elise and I love you and look after you that you are able to face life at all, and it’s only because we want you to be happy that we protect you. You’re a parasite and depend on us, and every night I pray for you, and I’d maybe like you to be somewhat grateful.

  Joanne My arse.

  Ann You’re a schizophrenic, Joanne.

  Joanne Cow, flabby cow.

  Ann The doctor said you ought to be told.

  Joanne Sodden flabby cow.

&n
bsp; Ann I’m tired of having to love you.

  Joanne I’m sick of your motherly concern.

  Ann Schizophrenic garbage.

  Joanne Cow.

  Blackout on the last word.

  During the scene change: ‘The Lord Is My Shepherd’

  SCENE TWO

  Brackenhurst playing-fields. Bright day. Glare. Ann and Elise are lounging in deckchairs, with a high wire fence behind them. They watch the game intensely. Immediately the lights come up they clap.

  Ann Very good.

  Elise Good.

  Ann Very good.

  Elise Shot.

  Ann She’s got a lovely cover drive.

  Elise Shot.

  Ann Don’t let her catch you. Run, for God’s sake, run.

  Sounds of the game very low.

  Elise She’s all right.

  Ann She will not play off her back foot. She will not move on to it.

  Elise I’ve told her often enough.

  Ann I’ve told her again and again.

  Elise The visitors are good. They’re undeniably good.

  Ann Doesn’t it make you glad to be alive? What is it Wordsworth says?

  Elise Dunno.

  Ann Ah.

  Enter Joanne dressed in white.

  Joanne God, it’s hot.

  Ann It’s hot or it’s cold, you always complain.

  Joanne It’s a man’s game anyway, it’s quite wrong for women to play it at all.

  Ann They’re not a match for our first eleven.

  Joanne What eleven? There are only eight.

  Ann Seven. Another dropped out this morning. The chauffeur came to remove her.

  Elise (gets up) I can’t see why we’re so bad at this business.

  Ann We’re not bad.

  Joanne takes Elise’s seat.

  Elise I know I’m not very clever and, Joanne, you’re controversial, Ann, you’re a little scaring to the young, but we’re no worse than most.

  Ann D’you think Benenden has this trouble?

  Elise They seem to hold on to their pupils.

  Ann You think we’re doing something wrong?

  Elise There seems to be something missing. The schizophrenic’s got my chair.

  Joanne It’s mine.

  Elise We’re rather short on facilities.

  Ann Oh well done. What a good shot. That was good. I still say a pavilion. That’s where we fall down. Everyone should get a prize on Sports Day – things like that. Class tells.

  Elise Men in the dormitories.

  Ann Elise.

  Elise I am pornography.

  Ann I am cricket.

  They laugh.

  Joanne I want to go and see a film. Take your filthy seat.

  Elise takes Joanne’s seat.