David Hare Plays 1 Read online

  Joanne You’ve got slovenly minds and worse bodies and why I should expend this energy on you I don’t know. What’s wrong is not the system but that you poor cheap victims of the thing should absurdly see yourself as winners.

  Elise There’s something in what she says.

  Ann I admire her for saying it.

  Elise She’s certainly got guts.

  Ann And a hell of a way with words.

  Elise You’ve got to admire her.

  Ann Now shut up.

  Elise How long’s his prick?

  Ann Never measured it. Too satisfied to care.

  Joanne If the length of a man’s penis were the measure of his worth then life would fall very easily into place.

  Elise At my husband’s school –

  Joanne Your what? Your husband?

  Elise I am married, you know.

  Joanne I never knew that.

  Ann Roger.

  Joanne You’re married? And you persist in this fantasy that marriage is good and men were made for women?

  Elise Like falling off a horse. You get back on again.

  Joanne My God!

  Elise You carry on. I’ve still got his shares. If the facts of all this depress you, let’s stop now rather than carry on. Roger meant lots to me, more than you could guess from the transcript of the divorce proceedings which is in itself an unsung opera.

  Ann If the memory of him obtrudes into our lovemaking.

  Elise We must go on.

  Ann Is Joanne in the way?

  Elise Leave her.

  Joanne Babylonian whore.

  Ann If when I feel you you can feel no pain.

  Elise Relax.

  Ann Can we make it? Over the years and past the debris into the rosetrees and the valley.

  Elise Over the hollyhocks and the chrysanthemums into the waterfall and the clearing past the breakfasts and the crying and the –

  Ann Rosetrees.

  Elise Past the rosetrees into a clearing. Help me into the clearing.

  Ann Can we make it?

  Elise (loud and black) O Desdemona! (loud but not black) Heaven forfend that I, to whom thou hast entrusted love, here, here on this teeming soil, that hast our meeting here entrusted to the earth, should, with mine own hand, pluck my dagger from my side, and with deliberate stealth make to plunder that which I have made my own.

  Ann Hush sweet Ophelia, let not the ardour of thy love thy temper overthrow.

  Elise If we settled in advance for less than what we wanted, admitted from the start it was impossible to do the thing properly, would that be more satisfactory?

  Ann No.

  Elise Is there a way, could there be a way of starting a relationship that wasn’t going to end in confusion and turning away at parties to avoid the eye of the person who knew you?

  Ann Maybe someone whose balls you’ve played with while they were asleep.

  Elise Is there a way of coming to them and looking them in the eye and being honest and free?

  Ann If I took you, if I took you inside me –

  Elise Other way round.

  Ann Sorry, if you took me inside you, would you wonder if I cried suddenly at night or fled to London or forgot a meeting.

  Elise How can I tell you what an affair with a woman like me would be like? I’m flirtatious, horribly romantic and unreliable.

  Ann And as a man, I’m prone to sudden anger, like a lion in the way I am.

  Elise I’m like a cheetah.

  Ann I’m like a lion.

  Elise I’m like a gnu.

  Ann I’m like a hippopotamus.

  Elise If there were some way of expressing to you directly the likelihood, the probability of disaster, then you might back away and say you didn’t want to get hurt.

  Ann If you could see as I do the hope of the world lying in women being different from men, I’ve always put them on a pedestal – they’re kinder and better able to cope.

  Elise In this whirligig.

  Ann In this vortex.

  Elise In this whirligig there are no masters. There is man. There is woman.

  Ann There is desert.

  Elise Desert?

  Ann Against the elements, man, woman.

  Elise There is desert. I wish it were possible. What do you think?

  Joanne I think you’re nuts and we’ve been through this before.

  Elise But this time a real relationship –

  Joanne The number of times I’ve heard you say you were a gnu and Ann respond with the unlikely information that she’s a hippopotamus are really beyond counting. If it ever came to anything, I wouldn’t mind, but the evening drags on until the gnu turns to the hippopotamus and says shall we watch News at Ten?

  Elise There ought to be a way of starting a relationship as you mean to go on. What happens now?

  Ann I don’t know. You’ve done more of this than I have.

  Elise That’s not a very nice thing to say.

  Ann I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.

  Elise Forget it.

  Ann Elise, let it be now.

  Elise Are you ready?

  Ann I can’t wait.

  Elise I’m so scared at this stage.

  Ann This is an inevitable stage. Think of it as expression.

  Ann and Elise confront.

  Elise.

  Ann puts her hand on Elise’s breast.

  Joanne Stop.

  The interjection is routine. Ann and Elise ignore it.

  Stop.

  Ann Why?

  Joanne In front of me.

  Ann Undress.

  Ann steps back. Elise turns away from Joanne towards Ann and takes off the top of her dress. Her breasts are bare.

  Incredible.

  Elise turns round to Joanne, turning her back on the audience, lets the top drop to the floor. Pause. Joanne faints.

  Blackout as she goes down. End of scene.

  SCENE FIVE

  Two beds, side by side, but not touching. Joanne is sitting up in one reading Sight and Sound. Elise is buried invisibly deep in the other.

  Joanne ‘The lyric fluency of Ozu is the nearest the Japanese cinema gets to Chekhov.’ Discuss.

  Elise grumbles in her sleep.

  ‘Lee Marvin represents not just capitalist man in a state of repressed aggression, but the entire Weltanschauung of contemporary American life.’ Oh yes.

  Elise turns again.

  Elise What time is it?

  Joanne Five.

  Elise Morning?

  Joanne Afternoon.

  Elise What’s happening?

  Joanne Ann is teaching chemistry. I am reading drivel. Are you feeling any better?

  Elise No.

  Elise comes up from under the covers, goes over to the mirror.

  Joanne ‘Donald Duck’s dribblings of premature ejaculation symbolize the failure of Western man …’

  Elise is looking at herself hard in the mirror and interrupts.

  Elise Can you see anything?

  Joanne No.

  Elise It’s coming all right. I have a sudden passion for pineapple. I’d really love a slice of pineapple.

  Joanne Yesterday it’s prunes, today it’s pineapple. You don’t fool anybody.

  Elise Won’t anyone believe me?

  Elise exercises. Left hand to right foot, right hand to left foot

  Joanne You’ll damage the little bastard.

  Elise Give it a lively ride.

  Elise starts running on the spot.

  singing as she runs:

  We are from Roedean

  Good girls are we

  We take care of our virginity

  And again and again

  And again and again

  Right Up Roedean School

  Up School Up School

  As Elise sings, Joanne draws the curtains and winter afternoon light pours into the dark room.

  I’ll make the little bastard glad he was born.

  Joanne You’re so sure it’s a boy.

 
; Elise I want a boy. You believe me then.

  Joanne I think it shows great imagination.

  Elise You believe it exists.

  Joanne I think it’s the most wonderful thing.

  Elise goes back to bed.

  Elise I don’t want to do myself damage.

  Joanne Of course not. (Joanne tucks her in.) I still say you’ve been screwed.

  Elise And I say I haven’t.

  Joanne It doesn’t happen like that.

  Elise It happened this time.

  Joanne You can’t be pregnant if you haven’t been laid. It’s never happened before.

  Elise Once.

  Joanne That doesn’t count.

  Elise I may have a Messiah.

  Joanne You’ll never convince me. It was a vow, a vow mutually agreed. No men. Pure feminism, pure love. Brackenhurst inches the world forward. You agreed.

  Elise I never agreed.

  Joanne (throwing away Sight and Sound) I won’t read this rubbish. It was agreed between us that it was possible to create a society of women. That was fine. As long as no one betrayed the ideal, I tolerated dissent. But then Brackenhurst fell apart. Brackenhurst is pure feminism. Brackenhurst inches the world forward. The falling apart was in this manner: Ann laid, Haskins responsible, retribution strangely transferred to you.

  Elise She got the fun, I got the baby. She and I were very close.

  Joanne Exactly.

  Elise You don’t resent us loving each other?

  Joanne You’re not in love. It is a conspiracy.

  Elise There was very little else around.

  Joanne I am very little else, I suppose.

  Elise You’re not really mature. And you seem to provide yourself with all the loving you need.

  Joanne Brackenhurst inches the world forward. I’ve taken to smoking.

  Joanne lights a cigarette.

  Elise Not the only sign of decay.

  Joanne My hair’s falling out with arsenic poisoning and my nails have gone soft.

  Elise It’s all fantasy.

  Joanne You thinking yourself pregnant and me thinking myself dead.

  Elise Murdered.

  Joanne Yes.

  Elise Why should she want to kill you?

  Joanne Why does she keep me here?

  Elise You’re her pupil, really. You’re the only one now, apart from that one downstairs.

  Joanne I always knew Bossy Lucrecia would outlive the rest.

  Ann Ann has made her Head Girl.

  Joanne As she’s the only one, it’s not much of an honour.

  Elise Symbolic.

  Elise takes out her knitting from under the covers.

  Joanne Ugh, motherhood suits you. How can you?

  Elise What?

  Joanne Knit. Aren’t you ashamed? Doesn’t it mean anything to be cast in a forever and always role of the most blatant submission?

  Elise I like it.

  Joanne Have you never wanted to change?

  Elise Women have babies.

  Joanne So?

  Elise It’s biological. They dive for the breast.

  Joanne But the care of babies? Is that all you look forward to?

  Elise I spent the first half of my life on my back. I want something to show for it.

  Joanne But the two should be connected. Years of indulgence – nothing. Then you stop and suddenly you’re pregnant. Now you’ll spend the rest of your life tending a kid while life happens around you.

  Elise Nothing ever happens at Brackenhurst.

  Joanne I don’t mean Brackenhurst, I mean the world.

  Elise Brackenhurst inches the world forward, Brackenhurst …

  Joanne All right. That can’t be all you want.

  Elise My mother was a Communist. She had three houses, a large private income, a couple of scarcely literate novelist lovers and a small pink card that said she was a member of the Communist Party. My father had very little to do with her apart from their initial union, a policy he was wise to maintain for all his thirty-seven years. Spent mostly as a schoolteacher before his early death when a gold crucifix suspended from the ceiling of Chartres Cathedral fell on his head. Hence my hatred of religion. And of teaching. So I wasn’t very political from the start. My mother’s money was in patent medicine. My father’s heart was in culture. Which is probably why I’m sick of watching you two fight it out. I’ve never seen the need to get that worked up.

  Joanne I thought you were working class.

  Elise I never said so. I shall devote my life to rearing children.

  Joanne It soon won’t be necessary. This might interest you.

  Joanne has picked up a book from the side of her bed.

  There are 46 chromosomes in each human cell. Did you know that? In each cell. Of these 46, two are the sex chromosomes, determining sex. Now both sexes have in common one X chromosome, and in the woman the other sex chromosome is an X as well. Whereas in the man it’s a Y. The woman is XX, the man XY. That Y is an impurity, a biological accident that is being slowly eradicated by natural development, which is working towards the purest form. Pure XX – female as we call it today.

  Elise Babies?

  Joanne Some other method.

  Elise A better method?

  Joanne (mocking) Who knows?

  Elise And will there still be love?

  Joanne If you want it.

  Elise Pleasures of the body?

  Joanne Pleasures of the mind.

  Elise I don’t want your evolution.

  Joanne No choice.

  Elise And will we ever be happy?

  Joanne Don’t be trivial.

  Elise I don’t call it – ow, it kicked.

  Elise shoots up to the top of the bed.

  Joanne Impossible.

  Elise I felt it.

  Joanne I believe you felt it, but I don’t believe it kicked. Taste this.

  Elise What is it?

  Joanne holds up a transparent bag of white stuff.

  Joanne This is my mashed potato. We had it for lunch, I’d like you to try some. It’s poisoned.

  Elise Eugh, it’s vile.

  Joanne Taste some, titface.

  Elise puts a finger in, scoops, and gingerly tastes.

  Elise Mashed potato.

  Joanne I said.

  Elise I think it’s very good.

  Joanne Are you getting that bitter taste – acid tinge?

  Elise No. How did you get it?

  Joanne I scooped it off the plate when Ann wasn’t looking. It’s blatantly poisoned. I have to get rid of it.

  Joanne throws it expertly out the window.

  There’s quite a pile out there, but no one ever notices. I wouldn’t tell anyone but you.

  Elise There’s no one else to tell.

  Joanne True.

  Elise We ought to see more people.

  Joanne I’ve suddenly seen what’s dogged me all along. Ann is the father of your child.

  Elise Hardly.

  Joanne The X chromosome ascends.

  Elise Ha ha.

  Joanne I’ve been thinking all day about your story and there’s one thing missing. Where’s the man?

  Elise Do you think I like being abnormal?

  Joanne It’s biologically possible. Ann is the father.

  Elise When it first happened I was hell’s ashamed. Who wants a baby and not know how?

  Joanne It’s obviously Ann’s.

  Elise You agree it exists.

  Joanne I’ve changed my theory to fit the facts.

  Elise How could Ann have done it?

  Joanne You remember that night?

  Elise I’m not asking when, I’m asking how.

  Joanne What was that business about, the night I fainted? The night you did your act in front of me?

  Elise Oh. Joke.

  Pause.

  Joanne This child’s not going to do what you want. It won’t get you out of here. It is incestuous offspring of this place.

  Elise It is the hope I hav
e of happiness.

  Joanne I’m sorry for you then. I’m changing for supper.

  Joanne goes behind the screen.

  Elise There’s no need to dress behind there.

  Joanne Doesn’t matter.

  Elise I wouldn’t be embarrassed to see your body.

  Joanne Please.

  Elise I’d quite like it.

  Joanne I don’t want to be watched all the time.

  Elise There’s no need to be so prudish.

  Joanne I am not a prude. I just –

  Elise What?

  Joanne For Christ’s sake leave me alone.

  Elise Body body body body body.

  Joanne AAAAH!

  Silence. Joanne still behind the screen

  Elise Joanne. Joanne, are you all right? Are you OK in there?

  Elise gets out of bed, goes towards the screen, passing the mirror, so she stops a second, stands sideways, looks to see if she’s any fatter, pats her stomach, goes on, stops.

  Joanne.

  Elise goes behind the screen, as Joanne comes round the front unseen, creeping round to the very front, sits down on the floor.

  Joanne.

  Joanne And your child will very probably be stillborn.

  Elise comes out from behind the screen.

  Elise You worried me.

  Joanne Not really.

  Elise If I have a boy I’ll call it Joseph, but if it’s a girl Joanne.

  Joanne Ha ha.

  Elise I mean it. You don’t know how much I love you.

  Joanne Elise, will you please be quiet?

  Elise You don’t know how easy you are to upset. You’re a joy.

  Enter Ann.

  Ann (coming fast through) Lucrecia’s chemistry is definitely improving.

  Ann goes immediately behind the screen.

  Joanne Daddy!

  Ann (from behind the screen) Are you any better, Elise?

  Elise I’m sure I’m pregnant.

  Ann comes out with a hypodermic needle with a little bottle of liquid on the end.

  Ann I’m giving everyone flu injections this year to prevent the school grinding to a halt.

  Ann holds the needle up to the light and pulls back the plunger.

  Joanne Don’t bring that thing near me.

  Elise Nor me. In my condition it’ll upset nature’s balance.

  Ann (pointing to a pile of sheets in the corner of the room) Joanne, I told you.

  Joanne Very well.

  Ann (smiling) Lucrecia –

  Exit Ann.

  Joanne moves round to Elise’s bed.

  Joanne Out of bed, earth mother, I’ve got to change your sheets.

  Elise Do you think she’s murdering our last pupil?