David Hare Plays 1 Read online

  Ann I just –

  Elise Let her have it.

  Joanne Shall I?

  Elise Yes.

  Joanne Yes?

  Elise Yes.

  Joanne fires the gun, which is a toy; it goes phut-phut-phut.

  You’re joking.

  Joanne No. (Embraces Ann.)

  Elise Some gladiators you turned out to be. I’ve spent the last year watching you two throw each other round like Indian clubs.

  Joanne We’re all just sorry school is closing down.

  Elise Why?

  Joanne We’re all just sorry.

  Elise There’s nothing in our lives that’s worth redeeming, take my word for it. We’re teachers and that’s all, and you two are good teachers because there’s nothing in your lives that doesn’t constitute a lesson. And while you’ve been talking the children have left. You’ve lived so long on other people’s behalf you’ve ceased to recognize yourselves. There’s nothing here worth keeping and certainly nothing holds us together. My bike. (Exit.)

  Ann Elise.

  Joanne Let her be.

  Ann Your fault.

  Joanne Yours.

  Ann Look what you’ve done to her.

  Joanne If women are ever to be strong, they’ve got to be strong …

  Ann Jo-jo.

  Joanne And lighthearted. She is right.

  Ann This school worked for a long time before you came and it can work again.

  Joanne Sure.

  Ann We can make it work. Circulate Burke’s Peerage for new pupils. Build up towards next term.

  Joanne She is right.

  Re-enter Elise. Her stomach is quite flat.

  Elise It’s gone. There was a great wet fart and it had gone.

  They shift from foot to foot, half-gesture, walk in small circles about the stage. Chronic unease, suspension, restlessness. Half a minute passes in silence.

  Joanne (raising her arms) Well then –

  Instant blackout.

  TEETH ’N’ SMILES

  For Joe

  Characters

  Inch

  Arthur

  Laura

  Wilson

  Nash

  Peyote

  Snead

  Maggie

  Smegs

  Anson

  Saraffian

  Randolph

  The play is set during the night of 9 June 1969.

  The playing area is mostly bare. Design is minimal. The band’s equipment is on a stage which, for the musical numbers, trucks down to the front. In the first act the band are housed in a college room; in the second they are on a lawn behind their stage.

  Note: When Teeth ’n’ Smiles was first played it ran just under three hours. It was then cut during previews. This text accommodates most of those cuts, but not all of them. The text was further rewritten for a West End production.

  Teeth ’n’ Smiles, with music by Nick Bicât and lyrics by Tony Bicât, was first performed on 2 September 1975 at the Royal Court Theatre, London. The cast was as follows:

  Arthur Jack Shepherd

  Inch Karl Howman

  Laura Cherie Lunghi

  Nash Rene Augustus

  Wilson Mick Ford

  Snead Roger Hume

  Peyote Hugh Fraser

  Smegs Andrew Dickson

  Anson Antony Sher

  Maggie Helen Mirren

  Saraffian Dave King

  Randolph Heinz

  Directed by David Hare

  Designed by Jocelyn Herbert

  Revived at the Wyndham’s Theatre, London, on 26 May 1976 with Martin Shaw as Arthur, Gay Hamilton as Laura, Charlie Grima as Nash and Ronald MacLeod as Snead.

  Of Mr Blake’s company I have very little.

  He is always in Paradise.

  Mrs William Blake

  SCENE ONE

  As the audience come in Inch is building the amplifiers into a bank of equipment on the band’s platform. He is twenty, in leather and jewellery. Downstage there are a couple of benches, representing an undergraduate’s room that has been specially emptied. Arthur is lying on one bench, staring. He is wearing a silver top hat and a silk suit but the effect is oddly discreet. He is tall, thin and twenty-six.

  Inch disappears.

  The play begins.

  Inch comes in carrying two suitcases which he puts down in the middle of the room.

  Inch Right. Let’s smash the place up.

  He turns and sees Arthur.

  ‘Allo, Arfer, din know you was comin’.

  Arthur Motorbike. How is she?

  Inch All right. They’re liftin’ ’er out the van now.

  Inch goes out.

  Arthur

  You’re the top, you’re the Coliseum

  You’re the top, you’re the Louvre Museum

  You’re a melody from a symphony by Strauss …

  Inch returns with a Samuelsons box from which he takes a plug. Then Laura appears, a small dark girl with lovely skin.

  Laura Are you set up, Inch, it’s very late?

  Inch Got Maggie out?

  Laura They’re getting her down the drive.

  Arthur And hello, Laura.

  Laura And hello, Arthur. Some bastard put sugar in the petrol tank, that’s why we’re late.

  Arthur It’s good to see you.

  Laura How long can you stay?

  Arthur How long do you want?

  Laura Well …

  Wilson, a small, bearded cockney, and Nash, a spaced-out black drummer, appear, look round the room and sit down. Wilson gets out a bottle of green lemonade. Laura begins to unpack the bags she has brought in.

  Arthur Saraffian said he thought she might be on the way down.

  Laura How Saraffian’s meant to know, sitting in that office all day …

  Arthur He has a manager’s nose. He’s like a truffle pig, he can smell heroin at fifty paces.

  Laura Don’t be absurd, dumbo. It’s not smack, it’s booze. Liquid boredom. Twice a day she flips out.

  Wilson Game.

  Nash Wot’s it to be?

  Wilson Pope’s balls. The game is the most borin’ and useless piece of information you can think of. Thus the Pope ’as balls.

  Nash Right.

  Wilson Away you go.

  Laura arranges a series of dresses on the back of the bench. Then starts sewing one of her choice.

  Nash The town of Nottingham was once called Snottingham.

  Wilson Yeah, that’s borin’.

  Nash Thank you, pal, your go.

  Inch returns with eight bottles of Scotch, which he sets out on a bench.

  Wilson Efrem Zimbalist’s first wife’s name was Alma Gluck.

  Nash Well done, Wilson, that’s really dull.

  Inch Diana Dors’ real name was Diana Fluck.

  Nash Hello, Arthur.

  Arthur Nashy. How are you?

  Inch Or Diana Clunt, I can’t remember which.

  Wilson The capital of Burundi is Bujumbura.

  Inch Or possibly Diana Clocksucker, but I think I would’ve remembered that.

  Inch goes.

  Laura She starts drinking at breakfast, she passes out after lunch, then she’s up for supper, ready for the show. Then after the show she starts drinking. At two-thirty she’s out again. Morning she gets up. And drinks. She’s a great professional. Never misses a show.

  Arthur Pills?

  Laura No.

  Arthur Reds?

  Laura No. Blue heavens, no. Yellow jackets, no. Bennies, no. No goofballs, no dexies, no dollies.

  Arthur Still no acid?

  Laura No.

  Arthur And the heroin?

  Laura No. She just drinks.

  Arthur What is she, some kind of pervert?

  Peyote enters with an electric kettle and sits down. A moment later Inch appears with an extension cable from the stage, and they plug the kettle in.

  Laura No aeroplane glue, no household cement, no banana peel, no fingernail polish remover, no nutm
eg, no paintstripper. No one in the world but her and Johnny Walker.

  Arthur And the singing?

  Laura The singing’s OK.

  Laura goes out. Inch hails Snead who is carrying Maggie into the room over his shoulder. Snead is forty-five, in top hat and black tails, this side of his first coronary. We do not see her.

  Inch Waiter, can you take ’er up to a bathroom?

  Snead Sir.

  Arthur

  You’re the Nile

  You’re the Tower of Pisa

  You’re the smile

  On the Mona Lisa …

  Snead has taken Maggie away. Peyote arranges a plastic funnel and two glass tubes, which he then sets out with care on the bench. Nash gets up.

  Nash And where the ’ell are we?

  Pause. Then he starts changing his shirt. Inch begins mending a plug.

  Wilson At this moment in time on planet earth the dead outnumber the living by thirty to one.

  Laura returns, distributing pork pies.

  Laura She doesn’t speak very warmly of you.

  Arthur I’m not meant to drag round the country, am I?

  Laura (smiles) Or of me.

  Arthur Still sings my songs.

  Laura She’d prefer not to.

  Arthur I’m sure.

  Laura She’d prefer to get up there and scream.

  Arthur

  You’re a Moscow view

  You’re oh so cool

  You’re Lester Young …

  Smegs appears. He is dressed like a very baggy matelot. He never raises his voice.

  Smegs Couple of slags here say anyone fancy a blow-job?

  Arthur gets up as if to consider.

  Arthur A blow-job. Do I want a blow-job?

  Laura How did they get in here?

  Smegs Inch? Blow-job?

  Arthur Bound to turn out like a Chinese meal. Half an hour later and you need another.

  Inch Butterfly flicks, do they do butterfly flicks?

  Smegs Ask them.

  Inch Sure.

  Laura (to Peyote) Do you have to do that in here?

  Peyote Fuck off.

  Inch (laughs) But will they do butterfly flicks with a roadie?

  He goes to find out.

  Smegs Not a chance.

  Arthur Isn’t he meant to be …

  Smegs What?

  Arthur Setting up. You’re an hour late.

  Laura (holding a dress up) Does this look all right?

  Smegs It’s up to him.

  Arthur Why don’t you go and help him?

  Smegs Because we’re artists.

  Arthur All right.

  Smegs See?

  Laura Artists don’t set up.

  Smegs You don’t ask Oistrakh to go out and strangle the cat.

  Inch reappears, picks up the plug.

  Inch They do blow-jobs wiv singers, but nothin’ below bass guitar.

  Arthur That’s right, love, keep your standards up.

  Peyote I play fuckin’ bass guitar.

  He hurries out.

  Smegs Artists. I mean. Keith Moon’s chauffeur got run over, he said chauffeurs are two a penny, it’s blokes like me what are irreplaceable.

  Wilson There is no word in the English language as rhymes with ‘orange’.

  Nash Hey, these valiums, do they go with my shirt?

  He tosses one in. Snead reappears.

  Snead Is that to be everything, sir?

  Inch No, you gotta get ’er clothes off and get ’er into the bath.

  Snead Sir?

  Inch You think I’m jokin’?

  He heads out, his arm round Snead.

  I’m doin’ you a favour. You should be a member of the stevedores’ union.

  Snead Sir?

  Inch We’re gonna ’ave to wash ’er. Do you wanna know wot that’s like?

  Snead Sir?

  Inch Well, ’ave you ever seen ’em cleanin’ St Paul’s?

  They go out.

  Arthur Is that what happens every day?

  Laura just looks at him.

  What does everyone do?

  Laura Pretend not to notice, what would you do?

  Arthur What …

  Laura There’s no choice. Stoke tomorrow. Then Keele. Bradford. Southampton. Quick one in Amsterdam. Back to Glasgow. Then they claim California, but nobody believes it.

  Arthur Saraffian’s mad.

  Laura Not Saraffian’s idea. It’s her. She wants to hit San Francisco on her knees.

  Arthur What’s the money?

  Laura A hundred and twenty, no more. It won’t cover overheads, whatever it is. But she … likes to keep busy.

  Smegs All this jumping on the spot makes you feel famous. But it’s no real substitute for people knowing your name.

  Smegs goes out.

  Wilson Arfer.

  Arthur Yes.

  Wilson Your contribution.

  Pause.

  Arthur H. G. Wells was attractive to women because his breath smelt of honey.

  Pause.

  Wilson Very nice.

  Nash I enjoyed that.

  Wilson Very nice.

  Anson appears. He is nineteen, unusually short with long frizzy black hair. He carries a clipboard and wears evening dress with a velvet bow tie.

  Anson Are we nearly …

  Arthur There’s a plug.

  Anson What?

  Arthur We’re waiting to mend a plug. Look. Over there.

  They look at the plug.

  And then we’ll be ready.

  Anson I’m the organizer. The booking. You are … ninety minutes late you know. Couldn’t someone … one of you mend it yourselves.

  Arthur Arms like penguins I’m afraid.

  Anson I see.

  He goes out. Peyote reappears with a piece of gauze. Inch and Snead appear.

  Nash Three-quarters of all children are born before breakfast.

  Inch ’Ave you got ’er dress?

  Laura Here. Tonight Miss Frisby is in peach.

  Snead Will that be everything, sir?

  Inch Why not lie down there and I’ll walk all over yer?

  Snead Sir.

  Inch Jus’ can’t get any decent room service round ’ere.

  He goes out. Laura cuts a pork pie neatly in four.

  Nash Every time we breathe we inhale several million molecules that was exhaled by Leonardo da Vinci …

  Wilson No, no, Nashy.

  Nash Wot?

  Wilson You don’ understand, that’s really quite interestin’, Leonardo, I mean, it’s far too interestin’ …

  Arthur I’m thinking of marketing a pork pie, a new kind of pork pie, which when you put the knife through the pastry will let out an agonized honk, as of a pig being slaughtered. It would do well.

  He looks at the hovering Snead.

  Arthur A tip is it Mr Snead, is that what you’re after?

  Snead Sir?

  Arthur Don’t look at us, pal, we’re too famous, we’re like the Queen, we don’t carry actual money.

  Snead Sir?

  Wilson An’ you’re playin’ it far too fast.

  Inch calls from offstage.

  Inch She says will Arfer ’elp ’er out the bath?

  Peyote Waiter.

  Snead Sir?

  Peyote Fuck off.

  Arthur pulls at an imaginary dog on a lead.

  Arthur Come on, Arthur, come on boy, come and meet Maggie. Come on, come on boy.

  Arthur and Snead go out different ways. Peyote sterilizes the tubes with boiling water which he then throws on the floor.

  Peyote Wot’s that creep doin’ ’ere?

  Laura If …

  Peyote Never said it.

  Pause.

  Laura Where the others?

  Peyote I ’ate Canterbury. Every time we come to Canterbury I swear never to come again.

  Laura So do I. Except this is Cambridge.

  Peyote Yeah. Look.

  Peyote holds up a fresh hypodermic in a sterilized pac
ket.

  The cleanest needle in showbiz.

  Laura T’rific.

  Wilson It should be dull.

  Peyote The bag.

  Laura What?

  Peyote The bag. Pass me the bag.

  Laura This is Maggie’s.

  Peyote Pass me the fuckin’ bag.

  Laura hands the carpetbag to Peyote. He lightly tears the lining. Takes out an envelope.

  Jus’ borrowed ’er bag.

  Laura That …

  Peyote Uh. Jus’ borrowed ’er bag.

  Anson returns.

  Anson Has there been any …

  Laura Progress? No.

  Peyote She en’t bin busted as often as me.

  Laura That would be quite hard, Peyote. I mean, you would have to stand on street corners stuffing tabs up traffic wardens’ nostrils to get yourself busted quite as often as you.

  Peyote Fuck off.

  Anson Is Miss Frisby with you?

  Laura She’s just being sandblasted next door. Why don’t you sit down?

  Anson Thank you.

  Arthur wanders back.

  Laura Did you see her?

  Arthur What is she on?

  Laura Huh, did she recognize you?

  Arthur She said, who let this pieca shit in here?

  Laura She recognized you.

  Arthur Yes.

  Laura I must call Saraffian. Do you know where there’s a phone?

  Anson In the porter’s …

  Laura Lodge? Thank you.

  Arthur He doesn’t care. As long as they stagger on to the stage. Get their hands somewhere near the guitar. Yes, Peyote?

  Peyote Fuck off.

  Arthur I don’t care either. Butcher my tunes. Forget my lyrics. Steal my royalties. I expect it.

  Pause.

  Thought she … thought she wanted to see me.

  Laura Sure.

  Arthur Just tell me what she’s on.

  Laura Arthur, you lived with her …

  Arthur Have you let her get hooked? Well? Have you let her get hooked again?

  Laura Have I?

  Arthur Well?

  Laura storms out, furious. Arthur turns away. Peyote has melted twenty pills in boiling water and is now pouring them through the funnel and gauze into the other tube. Wilson and Nash are flat out, probably asleep, possibly concentrating.

  Anson Have you had a look where you’re …

  Pause.

  Arthur Peyote, do you know what she’s on?

  Peyote She’s mainlinin’ string. Pullin’ it through ’er veins.