David Hare Plays 1 Read online

  Anson Do you want to have a look at …

  Arthur Little fella, why don’t you ever get through a …

  Anson Sentence. I know. It’s … I just hear what I’m saying and it always sounds so dreary and second-hand I just am … too fastidious to …

  Arthur Finish.

  Anson Right.

  Pause.

  I’m hoping to interview Miss Frisby.

  Arthur She’s in the bathroom, walk right up.

  Anson Does she have any clothes on?

  Arthur It’s never stopped her before.

  Anson Ah.

  Arthur What you going to ask her?

  Anson Oh … general things. About the role of popular music in society.

  Pause.

  Arthur Yes, well, that’s a very good subject. Very good subject. You could even ask Peyote here about that. He has a lot of words to say on that. Well, not a lot. Actually he has two. Off and fuck. Only usually he contrives to put them the other way round.

  Arthur goes out. Peyote and Anson are now as if alone. Peyote ties a rubber tube round his upper arm, teases the liquid in the hypodermic. Anson is embarrassed.

  Anson Hmph.

  Peyote Ah.

  Anson gets up and moves away. Peyote shoots up.

  Anson Squeamish. Grotesquely squeamish for a medical student. It’s a problem. Really. You call that shooting up?

  Peyote Uh-huh.

  Anson Is that heroin?

  Peyote Preludin.

  Anson Ah. Preludin is a fuck-pump, I think I’m right. I know that much. It enlarges your sexual capacity. You’re meant to stay hard for twenty-four hours, is that not … I believe that’s right.

  Pause.

  It’s none of my business but I think you may be taking rather a chance. I mean in Cambridge. Knowing the overall standard of skirt in this town I’d say twenty minutes would be pushing your luck.

  Pause.

  I had a guitar once. When I was young. Had a guitar. And a drum.

  Pause.

  You make conversation seem a little unreal. I suppose the silence is what … turns you on.

  Pause.

  Yes. I know. Fuck off. Certainly. By all means.

  He moves towards the plug.

  Peyote Don’t touch it.

  Inch returns.

  Inch Right.

  Anson Are you nearly …

  Inch Jus’ gotta change this plug.

  Anson Will it take very long?

  Inch Don’t know, it’s a technical thing.

  Anson Is it going to be good tonight?

  Pause.

  Inch It’s gettin’ really nasty out there.

  Anson What?

  Inch The audience. They’re stamping all over the lawn. Fuck.

  Anson What?

  Inch Forgotten the flowers.

  Inch goes out again, putting the plug down. Snead appears at the same time.

  Anson Are you …

  Snead Everyone’s now ready for the orchestra, sir.

  Inch Tell ’em they’re jus’ gettin’ inta their dickies.

  Inch gone.

  Snead I think you’ll have to make some announcement, sir. They’re getting very restless having to wait.

  Anson Tell them … er … tell them they’re coming just as fast as they can.

  Arthur comes on, goosing Laura who is wearing his top hat and laughing.

  Ah … do you think they’re almost …

  Arthur Listen, they got the place right, didn’t they? That’s three-quarters of the battle. The time, the time is a sophisticated detail.

  Anson I don’t know, Mr Snead.

  Peyote Wot is this place, anyway?

  Arthur You are in what scientists now know to be a black hole, Peyote. Floating free, an airless, lightless, dayless, nightless time-lock, a cosmic accident called Jesus College Ball.

  Peyote Jesus.

  Arthur College Ball.

  Peyote What does it mean?

  Arthur It means the college at which I was educated. Yes, Mr Snead?

  Laura It means undergraduates.

  Arthur Narcissists.

  Laura Yahoos.

  Arthur Intellectuals.

  Arthur embraces Laura from behind, his hands on her breasts.

  Rich complacent self-loving self-regarding self-righteous phoney half-baked politically immature neurotic evil-minded little shits.

  He stares at Snead.

  Expect nothing and you will not be disappointed.

  Silence. Snead turns and goes out. Anson looks at his hands. Arthur turns his back to us.

  Wilson Internal memorandum. Rhyl Town Hall. The life expectancy of a civic deckchair is now a season and a half.

  Laura He used to clip tickets.

  Arthur I was at this college. I know Mr Snead of old. Give me that.

  Laura gives him her current cigarette.

  Where I first met Maggie. She was singing in the Red Lion. She was sixteen, seventeen, a folk singer. Let us go a pickin’ nuts, fol de ray, to Glastonbury fair, a tiddle dum ay. I had to carry her over the wall, can you imagine, to get her to my rooms. They build walls here to stop undergraduates making love. Well, we got caught, of course, by this very Mr Snead coming in satirical German manner, even shining a torch, an English suburban stormfuhrer. He hauled me up to my tutor, who said, do you intend to marry the girl? I said, not entirely. He said, as this is a first offence you will not be sent down, instead I fine you ten pounds for having a girl on the premises. I said what you mean like a brothel charge? I was furious, I was out of my mind. Do you have another?

  Laura lights him another.

  Thanks. And everyone told me: don’t waste your energy. Because that’s what they want. They invent a few rules that don’t mean anything so that you can ruin your health trying to change them. Then overnight they re-draft them because they didn’t really matter in the first place. One day it’s a revolution to say fuck on the bus. Next day it’s the only way to get a ticket. That’s how the system works. An obstacle course. Unimportant. Well, perhaps.

  Pause. He stands a moment.

  Nash The word Cicero literally means chick-pea.

  Anson Oh God. I think I’d better … go and …

  Laura Don’t. Don’t go away.

  Arthur Sit down, tell us something about yourself.

  Anson I’m sorry. It’s just so late. I …

  Arthur People appreciate things more when they’ve had to wait.

  Anson That’s not how we advertised …

  Arthur Let them suffer.

  Anson We didn’t sell the tickets on the quality of the suffering we could offer.

  Arthur Well done. Whole sentence. This band has converted more people to classical music than any other human form of torture.

  Anson I don’t understand why …

  Arthur They come out saying, please, please, give me a drip in a bucket.

  Inch returns.

  Inch She says she’s not going on tonight.

  Anson On no.

  Arthur Uh, it’s fine. Don’t panic.

  Inch It’s quite all right, it’s fine.

  Arthur The nights she’s not going on are fine. It’s the nights she can’t wait to get on, they’re the ones to watch for.

  Wilson Right.

  Inch goes. Smegs wanders back on.

  Smegs How we doing?

  Laura Fine.

  Arthur Fine.

  Wilson Fine.

  Smegs (sits) Must be almost time.

  Anson Yes.

  Wilson Only one man ’as actually died on television. In a television studio. ’E was on a stool, talkin’ about ’ealth food, about honey, an’ ’e jus’ fell over an’ died.

  Nash Fantastic.

  Wilson Yeah.

  Peyote stretches out.

  Peyote It’s so good, it’s so very good …

  Smegs I wouldn’t have minded a sound check.

  Arthur When did you last have one of those?

  Smegs Barnsley, Halifax.
I don’t know. They carry me about in a sealed container. And sometimes the seasons change. Or we run over a dog. Or they change the design on my cigarette pack.

  Arthur Well …

  Smegs I don’t know.

  Arthur It seems to be what she wants.

  Smegs It’s needless you know. It just makes her feel good.

  Arthur How is she to you?

  Laura Unspeakable.

  Arthur Ah.

  Laura She treats me barely human.

  Arthur Still?

  Laura More than ever. She is jealous.

  Arthur I don’t see …

  Peyote sits up suddenly. Panic.

  Peyote There’s a wheel comin’ off the van.

  Arthur It’s all right, Peyote, it’s just a brain cell dying.

  Peyote It’s comin’ off.

  Smegs It’ll be horses in a minute, on sweeties he always has horses.

  Anson I’m sorry but I really do have to insist …

  Wilson What is wrong with you?

  Anson I …

  Wilson I don’t think I’ve ever met a man wiv so little karma.

  Anson How can I …

  Wilson You should leave your brain to a Buddhist ’ospital, they’d be very interested in you.

  Anson We are waiting for one plug to be connected.

  Wilson Correct.

  Anson It’s ridiculous.

  Wilson Don’t touch it.

  Anson It’s absurd.

  Pause.

  I’m sorry, I just can’t …

  Anson moves towards the plug.

  Wilson Don’t fuckin’ touch it, you miserable little turd.

  Pause.

  Arthur Just leave it to Inch.

  Laura Inch changes a mean plug.

  Wilson Right.

  Arthur Inch is a great roadie. Inch is the Panama Red of roadies.

  Anson I’m …

  Arthur Just …

  He holds up his hands. Pause.

  It’s just best. OK?

  Inch returns.

  Inch She says she’s goin’ on.

  Arthur Ah.

  Inch She says she can’t wait to get out there.

  Arthur Fine.

  Inch Now. What? I’m almost ready. There was somethin’.

  Anson Plug.

  Inch I jus’ gotta change this plug.

  Arthur Fine. No hurry. Enjoy it.

  Inch sets to. Then stops.

  Inch I can’t work if I’m watched.

  Anson turns away.

  Wilson A pullet is a pullet till the first time it moults. Then it’s a hen.

  Smegs Sussex have never won the County Championship.

  Nash Marilyn Monroe was colour blind.

  Arthur Oscar Wilde died Sebastian Melmoth.

  Wilson Two gallons to one peck. Four pecks to one bushel. Eight bushels to one quarter. Four and a half quarters to a chaldron. One hectolitre per hectare equals one point one bushels per acre.

  Inch Right. Ready when you are.

  Anson I think we’re ready.

  Inch OK, band?

  Wilson You might plug it in first, then we’ll join yer.

  Inch Fine.

  Inch goes.

  Wilson Not gonna walk across there if the plug’s not gonna work.

  Nash Get yer sneakers dirty.

  Wilson Quite.

  Anson Well, everyone … let me say … go out there and break a leg.

  Anson goes.

  Wilson Wot an ’orrible little man.

  Nash ’E’s very short, in’ ’e?

  Wilson Yeah, an’ that ’orrible black ’air. Makes ’im look like a lavatory brush.

  Smegs Are we playing outside?

  Laura Yes. On the lawn.

  Wilson Wot if it rains?

  Arthur Somebody had better …

  Smegs Yes.

  Arthur Peyote.

  Arthur wakes him.

  Peyote Horses.

  Smegs Told you.

  Wilson Come on, Peyote, once through the Christmas oratorio.

  Nash You take one arm.

  Wilson Yeah, come in loud, eh Nashy? Drum all over ’im if you find ’e’s on the floor.

  Nash Will do.

  Peyote Horses poundin’ down the Mall.

  Wilson Right, right, Peyote.

  Smegs Off we go.

  Peyote is guided towards the stage. The rest drift with him. They disappear behind the equipment.

  Wilson (as he goes) I wish we’d found somethin’ more, well, more kinda staggeringly borin’.

  Arthur and Laura left on their own.

  Laura Are you going to watch?

  Arthur What?

  Laura Arthur.

  Arthur Yes, of course.

  Laura I’ll see you later.

  Arthur Good.

  Laura Arthur. Don’t drift away from me.

  She goes. Arthur alone at the front. Then at the back you see Inch raise his arm. He is holding the mended plug.

  Arthur Paganini played the violin so well … people said he was in league with the devil.

  The plug goes in. The music crashes on.

  THE FIRST SET

  The band’s truck rolls downstage, the music already on the way. The band is Peyote (bass), Wilson (keyboard), Smegs (lead), Nash (drums).

  Standing about watching and talking are Inch, Laura and Arthur.

  The band sing by themselves.

  Close To Me

  In a cafe called Disaster

  Photos of the movie stars

  Looked down upon the customers

  As if they came from Mars

  In a cafe called Disaster

  Shelter from the rain

  You said you couldn’t love me

  That we should never meet again

  Will you always be this close to me

  When you’re far

  When you’re far

  When you’re far away from me

  And will you always

  Will you always be this close to me

  When you’re far

  When you’re far

  When you’re far away from me

  And will it always be the same

  In an age of miracles

  In the heat of the afternoon

  Falling on your funny face

  The shadow of the moon

  In an age of miracles

  As sharp as any knife

  I felt a touch of winter

  In the summer of my life

  And will you always etc.

  Then without a break the band go straight into the next number. Dazzling light. Maggie joins them, singing, burning off the fat as she goes.

  Passing Through

  Mamma said I had the morals

  Of an alley cat

  Just because I wanted more

  Sister fuckin’ Rita

  Was a mean child beater

  But she said I was a high street whore

  Burning down the freeway

  Like a shootin’ star

  Bitching how my life is run

  Learning how to shake it

  In the back of a Bedford

  Taking it from every mother-fucker’s son

  Shut your mouth honey

  I don’t wanna know your name

  Shut your mouth honey

  I don’t care why you came

  Pass me the bottle

  Roll over let’s do it again

  Say you gotta save it

  For someone special

  And you know that that’s a lie

  If you don’t holler

  When the lights go out

  Life is gonna pass you by

  Gotta reputation as a

  One night stand

  Kinda precious too

  If you let a greaser

  Stay another night

  They’re gonna get a lease on you

  Shut your mouth etc.

  I’m a sunflower lady

  With a sweet electric band

  I’m a sunflo
wer lady

  With a bottle and a man

  Don’t want quiet

  I don’t want care

  When the sun comes up

  And the lights blaze out

  If you don’t scream honey

  How do they know you’re there

  The truck goes back almost before the song ends. Arthur wanders down and sits quietly at the front.

  SCENE TWO

  Arthur sits staring out front. Then Wilson and Nash come in, both fuming to a standstill.

  Arthur Sorry about that.

  Wilson Necrophilia. Like fuckin’ the dead.

  Nash Amateur night at ’Arrods staff canteen.

  Wilson Like floggin’ a corpse.

  Nash The bastards.

  Wilson Fuck ’em.

  Nash Bastards.

  Smegs comes in.

  Smegs What bastards.

  Wilson Do you know, some woofter comes up to me after the set, says I expectin’ somethin’ altogether more Dionysiac, I says Thursdays we’re Dionysiac, Fridays we’re jus’ fuckin’ awful.

  Arthur Right.

  Wilson Not that I care.

  Nash Right.

  Wilson Fuckin’ penguins.

  Arthur Right.

  Wilson I’m sitting there, I’m thinking the Marshall Stack’s up the spout an’ the Vox AC30 ’as gone on the blink, an’ not even the cloth-ears of Cambridge are fooled.

  Arthur And that’s just the first set.

  Nash Right.

  Wilson ’Ow long till the next one?

  Arthur One o’clock. And the last at three-thirty. Then you can go to bed.

  Nash hands out joints. Inch comes in carrying a guitar which he sets about mending.

  Nash And you …

  Inch Sorry lads, bit o’ wobble on the Vox.

  Nash Wobble?

  Inch I’ve smeared it with pork fat, usually does the trick.

  Anson appears.

  Anson I’ve come to interview Maggie. She told me …

  Wilson Last month in Miami, Florida …

  Nash Again.

  Anson … to wait here.

  Wilson Jim Morrison of the Doors got it out. Not the only occasion this ’as ’appened. By no means. There is the example of our own P. J. Proby in the Croydon Odeon splittin’ ’is velvets from knee to crotch.

  Smegs A great moment.

  Wilson The. Great. Moment.

  Arthur Yes.

  Wilson Slightly spoilt, it must be said, by the fact ’e then spontaneously split ’em every night till ’e was thrown off the tour.

  Arthur A mistake.